Today is finally Christmas. While I’m still trying to comprehend the amount of time that flew by this year, I feel grateful to reach another holiday with my family to be alive, healthy, and happy. As I enjoy this day and all the joy it brings, I couldn’t help but remember the years when it was unbearable for me to celebrate.
Aside from the childhood years where I would make a fuss about not getting all the gifts I wanted, I first dreaded Christmas during 2008 when my grandfather passed away. My close relationship with my grandparents was what made his death hurt the most. The feeling of missing someone when they are no longer alive during the holidays still makes me weak today.
The feeling of missing someone when they are no longer alive during the holidays still makes me weak.
This broken feeling re-emerged in 2016. Two years ago, I vividly remembered how much I was crying on Christmas morning (this was after I also cried myself to sleep). I wanted nothing more than to lie still on my bed and stare at the ceiling all day.
It was a chapter in my life where I felt so confused with the path I paved for myself, the choices I’ve made, and why I never felt satisfied with my personal accomplishments. The only way I could have dealt with my depression was to cry, isolate myself, and feel ashamed.
It can be hard to pinpoint those times of my life based off of my social media, so I’m willing it to share it with those who are dealing with the same thing this holiday season. I find that during those years of my life where I felt the most miserable were the same reasons why I felt motivated to change my life. For me, I found that both occasions made me recenter my relationship with my family.
In a way, the lessons I’ve learned from those years were what made Christmas have a whole new meaning. I make sure to hug my loved ones a second longer than I should and to say “thank you” as much as I can because I understand the power of being caring towards someone else. While it’s impossible for everyone to be happy this season, I hope that your Christmas has a new meaning each year. Until next time.
The holidays are an emotional time for my family as well since both my Mom’s parents passed in 2006. It makes me remember the holidays that we did get to share with them and how great they were.
I’m sorry you had to go through this:( And I absolutely love your Christmas message.. All the best to you – may your heart heal and grow <3
Ressa, thank you for sharing intimate moments of your life even the hard ones. I lost my dad in 2010 and every Christmas after was so hard, my family barely got through it at first. Sadness overwhelmed us to the point of wanting to just get the season over with for several years after. What we realized later was that my dad would have wanted us to celebrate and enjoy our lives and not miss any moment in it. It’s been eight years and we finally embraced living in the present moment, not the past or the future, and to not take life or moments for granted anymore. We finally were able to laugh, celebrate, and joke around about a funny saying or moment that my dad told us. Inner peace is the words I would describe that we got for Christmas this year and this is what I wish for you in times of sadness. I’m glad you’re making progress. Hugs!
Aw – thank you for sharing your feelings. I, too, feel the heaviness and sadness that the holidays bring. Both of my grandparents on my dad’s sad have recently passed away so that made this Christmas so much harder with both of them gone. So many memories of spending Christmas with them and it makes me very sad to know that they aren’t there to share it with!